My Dad

When my dad was dying in January, 2004, the idea of living my life to its fullest - robust with experiences, milestones, ideas, moments, joy and sadness without him, weighed heavily on my heart like a harbinger. But very quickly I recognized his presence within me.

For many weeks I wore the necklace that he received for his Bar Mitzvah on his 13th birthday. The first time I saw him take this necklace off was when he entered the hospital in October 2003. Wearing the necklace made me feel warm, loved and safe. The necklace was always under my top layer and not visible to anyone else. It was just there across my skin to keep me at ease.

Why am I thinking these thoughts and writing about them in this blog? Because while waiting for Maxwell to come home there were many days and nights where I didn't think I could tolerate not having my dad physically present to witness this joy. Moments after the referral phone call came in November, I cried because I so badly wished for both of my parents to witness this sukah, or joy.

The night before Max arrived I suddenly became aware of what to do to make my fabulous father an active part in this time. Many years ago my dad spent several days stripping Pepto Bismal-pink paint from an antique rocking chair that I purchased at a flea market. Moving this rocker into Maxwell's room solved several issues: it created more space in the living room; we needed a rocker or glider in Maxwell's room but didn't want to buy one; and it brought my dad into the experience.

And then the other day I thought of another viable way to bring Papa Floyd into my experience of being a mother. Since the house is all hardwood floors I've been wearing the socks I got in the hospital during my surgery in December - the ones with the rubber on the bottom to prevent skids/sliding. Having one pair is not enough so I found the socks that I took from my dad's time in the hospital. They're on my feet right now so in his own way my dad is helping to keep me warm; helping to keep Maxwell safe and helping me to stay on solid ground.